Identifying me

Most of the time we spend as kids we are unaware of the reality of the world around us. Sure we may see our parnents interact to situations that shape out lives and future, but we are never fully awaked to who we are to be as adults.

I grew up in the slums of the south. My mother was never present and I was basically raised by a sister that was just 10years older. As I becames older I became very uncertained as to what my furture would be of if I was to even have one. I was never remotely pointed into the right directions. My childhood did install one basic need into me. The need to survive.

By this I mean the need to do what ever is nessary to fuction with in society with out needing the basic nessecities. When I was 17 years old I had sex for the first time and concieved my first child. Ha. I was never sat down and given the " Ol Birds and bees" talk. My mother was just simply to involved in her own life. She left us in a 4 bedroom house in the worst part of town lacking MANY utilities. We had no electricity in some parts of the home and no bathroom sink. There was pest of just about every kind. I continued high school and graduated, even went to college.

A feeling of resentment grew for my mother with in me. To this day I call her by her first name. The irony come from the fact that when I was a child I wons many awards, one in which was for a essay that I did when I was 7 on what my mother ment to me. When setting out to write it I wrote of the things I wish my mother had been.

She is by no means an uneducated lady. She is a college graduate with a degree in nursing and she is also an Ordaned pastor. Watching her all my life has helped me identify who and how I wanted to live mine. I knew I didn't want to be the person that she is, I didn't want to live her life. When I had my girls I made a choice to do all that she didn't do and be who she wasn't. I became a better person for not being a carbon copy of her.Sad... I begin Identifying traits that I wanted to have and found people that pocess them. I learned to watch people and picked up how I should behave. That is how I can to identify me.

An odd day

Today I thought about mortality. I have always had an fear of death and what lies beyond life on earth. I am a christian and a sinner. God made man and woman in his image but he made us flawed.

There is not one person that I know that is without sin. My greatest sin is pride. I am proud of myself and all of my achievements. I love whole heartily and tend to care more fore those around me then, they care for me. I know I should be in a more stable and goal oriented frame of mind but I am not. When we did what do we want people to remember most about us? Is it the way we cooked, talked, or loved and lived. When I die I want to have no regrets and be able to rest in peace. No one knows when it is their time.

When the time comes there is not one place that you can hide. God has seen every choice and path we were to make before we choose them. I am convinced that my sins will be forgiven for he knows my heart. I try to live every day with a simple motto. When I die I want the world to miss me, and know that I was here. There has been a deep rooted fear of death in my family. I have lost love ones back to back and without warning. I often wonder who it is that he will send to take me home.

My mind has been very heavy lately with a sense of doom and disappear. I don't know where it came from or what exactly it is aimed at I just know that it is coming and I try to be at peace with it. Some things we are just not meant to know. As a child I saw my aunts death before it happen. I could tell her everything she had on in the casket, what the church looked like and more. When I confronted her with this as a child she dismissed it and let me sleep in her bed that night. She told me we all will die and go home. This life is a test, those who have suffered here will be greatly rewarded when they go home. So yea today has been a odd day.

I play around with the camera

Wow....

There are time when you really think you know some one and it really suprises you to see the real them. I am pretty much an open book and like it when people are up front with me. A majority of times they are but you still have people that are not as forth coming. I have not...damn. I am kinda at a lost for words right now.

I am kinda a loner and it's okay. I know me and what I am capable of. I can be really charming and shine or I can clam up and become unresponsive. I clam up when I feel myself getting angry alot. If I don't then I won't think before I say. I have gotten in to many, many situations in which I have had to clam up. I don't know what it is and don't know why.

I distance myself from people all the time. The way I see it is that everyone wants some thing. Some time I can accomidate the and most times I can't. I feel drained and dishearted by the ones that do want. It is hard for me to sometimes seperate the two. That is why I stick to music alot. It is unchanging in it's ways. Wow... If only I could be with it forever....

Don't mind me just rambling.

My Life

Is it so wrong...

I am new to the site so bear with me till I get the hang of it.

I have long been aware that I am an emotional person. Not in the way that some of you may think. I have a heart. I love with my whole heart and not just people. I love places, things, times and even events. I love the smell of lavender, fresh clean sheets on my bed and Fresh baked food.

There is nothing that compares to going home after a long trip or a hard days work. To be able to travel back to my child hood by retracing the steps that help me discover me.

The smell of pumpkins seeds fresh out the oven on Halloween or sugar cookies during Christmas time. I love the warmth of receiving a Valentine from a secret sweet heart. The feeling of a new beginning that comes on a crisp night in December.

When you are in the company of the one that you love and they are all that matters. Spending mornings in bed reading the paper or watching cartoons is a thing of joy. Is it wrong?

Why must I feel punished for the wants of my heart? Is it so wrong?

Me

They say..

They say patience is a virtue. But so is prudence, justice, temperance, courage, faith, and hope. This is what I believe and live by. there are basic and heavenly virtues that differ only by relevance to the individual. I am using basic so bare with me. Patience has not be a strong point with me for a very long time. Courage, Faith and Hope are virtues that most strong black women live by. Justice is not always just and prudence is for the birds for most.

Most of the time when I find myself in hot water my patience has played a part. I don't know why I can't get the knack for it. I have to go to the salon for my hair because I hate the wait. To have to sit and listen to the mindless gossip of the lives of others is irritating. To want what is in your future now is not a sign of patience. I am working on it and god knows I am trying. For the most partly because they say patience is a important virture.

I'll be damned

Okay. Some of you are aware that I have my sisters daughter and have been taking care of her for a while now. Alot of you said don't get too attached, well I did. My sister calles me and says well I am having a bad time can I come and stay with you. Hmmmmmm. She basically went against what I told her to do and went and tried to live a life she couldn't afford. When I took her daughter I ask her to be honest and let me know what all I need to do and she was like nothing. Come to find out the little girls has no WIC , Medicaid or any type of help from the father. My sister lied to me. There were things that she was to help me with that she said she would do and hasn't. I didn't exspect her to do much but tell the truth and she didn't. The whole time I have had her child she is telling me about "the new guy " in her life.WTF?! A lot of you ask me about chilling and what do I do for myself and get mad when I can't chat with you . I tell people upfront that I have a lot on my plate and they don't believe me. My girls are 10 and 7. I feel that in either way I am damned for my actions, rather I try to do the right thing or the bad. I ll be damned.